If anyone has experience in this...

There are things I try not to make a public fetish of, but which consume my mind every day. If you'll pardon me, I'll say that my childhood was abusive in a unique way, meaning there are many actors in my drama. But the one that I always entertained fantasies about revenge, that was my stepdad. He did things to me that shouldn't be done to a child. He was a very, very bad man. Something recently made me want to look him up. I don't know why; old, unrealized revenge fantasies were on my mind, I suppose. But I looked him up, and I'll be damned if the fucker wasn't dead. He died approximately 3 years ago, it turns out. Had a pretty standard glowing obituary. I wonder about his own kids. Did he hate them as much as he hated me? He was married to one woman after my mom for the rest of his life. Was she able to cope with his twisted mind games? He was cremated. I don't know where his ashes where dumped, but it doesn't matter. He's long gone down to be part of the soil now. I suppose I wish I could visit that site, if only so I could burn it and salt it. So this bubbled up to a conscious thought, though not really a feeling: now I understand it when they tell you you have to let go. I can't resolve it. I'll never challenge him to beg for mercy. No confession will be offered. Suddenly, you realize, the only one keeping it alive is you. You in your thoughts and your actions toward others. I lost my opportunity for revenge three years ago, the fucker, and he didn't even leave me a grave to piss on. But I know now that until I've let go of you, you'll always ruin me. You'll always be influencing my decisions. You'll always make me want to be something I don't want to be, which is myself. You were a monster. I remember the monstrous things you did. I can't forgive you. I don't know if I can let go without it, but I have no one to forgive anymore. He's clay somewhere. But I have to let go of the pain. I somehow have to make those events not matter to me anymore. It's not forgiveness; it's release. When I've let go of you, you monster, and watch you recede like a drowning man, I'll be free. If you know how to help, please help. If you don't, that's cool. It's not your fault.