Hillary Promises: "This Shiv For McCain"

AUG. 26 (ROOTERS) - In a widely-hailed speech at the 2008 Democratic Convention, former candidate Hillary Clinton held aloft a blade once destined for the back of Barack Obama and promised: "This shiv is now reserved for John McCain."

The blade, which has a long Clinton family history, is slender yet strong, its handle a simply-tooled ash with ivory inlay. "There was a time," Senator Clinton said, "when this would have gotten me the Presidency," alluding to the vice-presidential nomination she had expected. "That possibility is now past. In the name of unity, I now promise that this blade will find its home only in the back of John McCain, should he be fool enough to be elected."

The blade, which had been unadorned, is now laser-engraved with the legend, "Unity '08" and a picture of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton shaking hands.

Rumors had arisen in the days after the Clinton concession that she was angling for the vice-presidential spot. Less speculated on was what has been referred to as "Roman succession" and "the breaks." However, since Biden accepted Obama's offer of the vice-presidential spot on the ticket, any internecine plots on Clinton's behalf were rendered moot. Speculation exists that her promise to lay aside any revenge slaying is contingent on an appointment to the Supreme Court.

Senator McCain, campaigning this week at the Mars Cheese House in Wisconsin, vowed not to let her come near. "Not that I ever have," he added. "She's trouble."